It wasn’t the first time it was happening. His usual breaking up with me. Initially they were just threats but there was something different about this one. As usual he made it about me. Said I was not appreciative of his efforts. I was making him think a lot. I was always being paranoid. I didn’t make him happy anymore. He wasn’t free dating me. He didn’t love me anymore. I’m not sure if I hadn’t read well or if I just had a hard time accepting all he said, still I begged. Asked him if there was nothing else to hold on to. His reply “nothing at all”. Still I begged because that was all I knew to do. We later settled for taking a break after I had pushed so hard. I was travelling for a period of about two weeks and we agreed to meet after I came back.
It happened at about 11pm. We stopped texting at about 1am. I dropped my phone and closed my eyes to sleep. I should have felt some sort of victory that I got a break instead of a break up, but all I felt was pain. I’m not even sure where it came from but it pierced my heart so deep I could physically feel it my chest. I thought I was about to die or go crazy. I started to cry, I started to wonder, I had so many questions to ask ‘how?’ Being the most prevalent of all. Could this be about another woman? How can he even like somebody else (so all my love couldn’t fill up his heart? You mean to say there’s still space?)? How did I even wrong him, if I did? How can he live with causing me all these pain? How did we go to so happy to this? How did I become this not enough? How did he become this person that he has become? How did this happen? How did that happen? How does he not remember everything? How didn’t he even fight for me? And above all, how did I get here?
My self esteem was at its lowest, my dignity the same, I was so low. He had drained me of all the value I had for myself. I had taken so much that I didn’t even know how to stop. I had given it all to one boy in trust, believing that he would protect it. I had forgotten what it was like to feel for anyone else, to love anyone else, to let anyone else make me happy. He owned it all. He owned me mind, body and soul. Even I hadn’t realised at what point he gained such control over me.
I lay crying. Scared. I still don’t know what I was scared of, but fear is what best describes the way I felt. I didn’t know what to do with all that pain and fear so I picked up my phone and started to text my friends. (I have to add here that my friends are so annoying. I have told them severally to leave their phones on ring out when they go to bed but they wouldn’t listen) I knew they wouldn’t see my text till they woke up, still I text them.
Morning wasn’t forth coming, the pain wasn’t going away and the fear just kept increasing.